To love harder the next time


Hi there, here’s my lengthy experience. I met this Individual when I was 18, my senior year of highschool. He was 19 fresh out of school and a college freshmen in our city. Instantly there was an obvious connection. Keep in mind I was still a virgin when I met him. And even during him at some point. He would take me out on my first date, bought me clothes and took me to the beach for the first time ever. And I started realizing I was falling in love with him but I was too scared so I would stop talking to him because I had a bad instinct. I didn’t know what it was, but I just knew he was probably a heart beaker or some shit. And at some point he has admitted that some girls in his past called him the “ devil “ so first red flag right away for me. Later on I graduated highschool, we stopped talking a few days after because I started feeling like he wouldn’t make enough time for me when he had free time. I was very sad that summer because I missed him and I remembered I reached out. I told him how no matter how hard I would try to talk to other men I couldn’t get over him or even have the want to even try to forget about him. And this mother fucker said he wanted a more mature girl who drove a car and he didn’t want to rely on me for his feelings and he didn’t want me to do the same. Keep in mind I just got out of high school at the time I was 18, all my plans were to go to collage in the fall. Didn’t even think that driving was an issue. So you know what my ass did, I asked my friend to teach me how to drive, I applied for work at a little shop in the mall and got the job and knew how to drive. Only because a man said I wasn’t mature enough for him. I wanted to prove him wrong. And when he started noticing I was getting my shit together faster than I even planned, then he messaged me and he admitted he missed me. Not gonna lie I was overjoyed with that, in a forever 21 dressing room. And just found out I got the job and aced the interview. So my 18 little self felt like I was on top of the world. Then he asked me to hang out that night because he really wanted to see me, and my dumb ass agreed to. He said he could pick me up, and to go get boba at this old spot we used to go together and then said he would invite me to come with him to a kick back his friends were having. And honestly I was scared to meet his friends, at the time I knew about them seen them around on social media but never actually spoke to them or seen them in person. We drive to his friends house right, we were sitting in his car waiting for his other friends to arrive, then the dude looks at me into my soul and threw himself on me and starts kissing me so passionately. Best believe that was the best kiss I’ve ever had. I never had a boy kiss me like that and instantly yeah I was turned on not gonna lie but it felt more sweet and passionate than just physical touch. Well my virgin self felt like it was something more than what he probably thought it was. And honestly I didn’t think that I would still think about that kiss. Afterwards, his homies all arrive and obviously I was supper shy. I felt awkward, and a little uncomfortable because I didn’t interact with people like that very offten at the time. And he had one female friend that was there. Just kinda started talking to her and cracking little jokes. Then she asked me if I wanted to go with her and their other friend to get beer. Which I agreed because I really wanted to get along with his friends. I wanted to make a connection. Then we get back and their all waiting for us in the back yard, cracking jokes and sitting around a bonefire in late August. I just remembered being offered a beer and I said no because I didn’t drink at the time. We leave and it was getting kinda late, and while driving back he said if he wanted me to drop me off at my house or if I wanted to go back to his apartment. And I didn’t want the night to end so We both agreed and went to his place together. He sat on this couch chair, it was like a love seat. He starts playing drake and josh on his tv. We laughed and talked. Then made out and it got intense so we hopped up on the bed together and cuddled at first. Keep in mind I was still a virgin. So I start kissing him and I’m on top of him and he asked if he could have sex with me. And I can’t remember if it was unprotected or not. But it was my first time, it felt so passionate and beautiful. It was everything I hoped it to be. Then again I had no expectations of what exactly my first time would be. As long as I knew I loved the person enough to do something like that for the first time. Which I did, I loved the guy. I loved him so much to let him go there with me. And again I was happy.. I felt like I just became a woman. I felt so beautiful and I truly did feel like I was radiating that for a while. And for that time I did feel like life was good, I got the guy I wanted, I was no longer a virgin, I was starting collage, I started my first retail job ever, I was learning how to drive. It was all great. Until it wasn’t.. few months into our relationship, there was 2 times when he wouldn’t talk to me. Everytime it would upset me. But I never made too much of a big deal about it because he admited he was starting to become depressed and felt like he needed some space. Then Christmas 2018 came along. And I decided I wanted to spoil him because I never done that for a man. So I bought him a Joy division poster that he’s been wanting, and got him a 200 dollar Cologne set. I went a little over my budget but I just really wanted him to know how much I loved him. When I handed him his gift and opened it he was a little speech less. He admited no women ever got him gifts like that other than his mother and said he wanted to cry. Which made me feel so special because I made him feel special enough. But you know what this dude got me, he got me a smiths sticker and a cramps one. With a DIY jar with dead rose petals inside and used a piece of denim to cover the top and tied it with green shoe laces. At the time I was just happy enough that he thought of me. But now that I’m thinking about it. It was a shit gift like so shitty it was a last minute crappy little gift because I told him I was getting his cheap ass anything. like I would of rather loved a love letter which he never has thought about. I’m not that materialistic, I just wish more thought and heart and love would be put into gifts.you know for a memory keep sake. Oh and not to mention before Christmas on my birthday which is on December. And I pleaded with him that I really just wanted to spend time with him and nothing special. So we went to this ramen spot we used to go to when we first started dating. And tell me why on my birthday when we went I paid for this fools food ON MY BIRTHDAY like never let a women pay for your food on her birthday it’s just bad manners. Yea I did pay for my food to that day. I never expect anybody to pay for my stuff but it just felt like it would be like gentlemanly mannerism I don’t fucking know. And no he didn’t get me a birthday gift or not even a card at all. Especially not a card. When Lowkey i really just wanted LIVE flowers like or even 1 single rose would of been ok with a little birthday card too. But I didn’t really get that from him. Oh god don’t even get me started on what happened on Valentine’s Day, so that day I was really adamant that I wanted to see him and spend time with him. And he was like “ well I really wanna skate today because my friends want to so you’re welcome to come with us at the six lot” the six lot is a parking lot structure in downtown where kids and dudes go to skate at. So we get there, I’m all dressed up nicely like usual when I see him, I was wearing this cute red jacket with a black fur collar and grey trousers. Yeah I looked cute that day for him. He didn’t have anything planned other than to skate with his homies. So all I did that day was sit in the back of his car trunk and watched this grown man skate god not to mention he threw hella tantrums because he couldn’t do a fucking kickflip right. And I started contemplating our relationship at that point. Then his homie comes up to me and starts making small talk right. And one thing I remembered, “ so it’s Valentine’s Day, y’all got anything planned” as he smokes his cigarette and blows it in the other direction. And I go “ no nothing planned tonight ” With the most bummed out face I could make and he just looks at me and lights his cigarette and says yeah nothing for tonight just here skating . Like WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING THERE WHY DID I WATCH THIS DUDE SKATE FOR AN HOUR. We could of gone to a restaurant or go eat somewhere or IDK HAVE FUCKING SEX OR SOMESHIT IDK NORMAL COUPLE SHIT. no Valentine’s card, no flowers no , hey I’m thinking about you. It was just skating. Oh god I completely forgot I went shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift for him because I’m stupid and I thought about him. I got him a fucking scented candle from stupid ass bath and body works BATH AND BODY WORKS I FUCKNG HATE THAT PLACE BUT I MADE THAT EXCEPTION FOR HIM, AND EVEN GOT HIM A STUPID PERSONALIZED CARD A PERSONALIZED FUCKING CARD YALL! THE FUCK I WAS I THINKING. I ended up never giving him that gift because I realized he didn’t get me anything and I didn’t wanna look stupid and have it be awkward . i was pretty upset about that, no actually was furious. but did i make a fuss no. i did not. i remember that night i just was dry texting him and said im going to bed. and cried about it like a little bitch because i knew this man did not think about me. he was a little selfish. it was " me me me me " all the time for him. and i made sure i devoted time and effort even loyalty . which by the way he barely provided for me, you're about to find out why. march or end of February, he posted a photo of himself on his social media.Come to make an observation a woman had commented something oddly flirtatious under his photo? I mean yeah he was a pretty shitty man, but that was my shitty man you know ? I did what any woman would do and I sorta snooped on her Instagram page. Then I noticed he commented a heart under one of her photos. And yeah it kinda hurt? It felt stupid to be upset about that but I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe they’re just friends? But I knew for a fact that was pretty suspicious and I got angry about it. I didn’t bring it up. I just slept it off like I usually do when I’m upset. And out of spite I did post something welcoming anybody I had posted a story asking if anybody would be down to go hiking. And I wasn’t about to go hiking with any random person I didn’t know, I just wanted to see what reaction I would get out of my then shitty so called boyfriend. which as expected he did react, he reacted the way I knew he would. He just messaged me saying “ you better not be going around hiking with guys “ which again I never specified for men. I just simply said ANYBODY! So obviously pretty territorial, there was another occasion when I went out with my homies, to go eat ramen. And I had told him I was going to and instead of him saying have a good time and be safe, this dude said “ they better not be trying anything on you” and I kinda got offended because I had my own suspicions of him. Which I knew for a fact I was loyal, i wouldn’t even dare to betray or be dishonest to my shitty boyfriend right ? Because I loved him enough to never do that to him. The thought of me doing anything with anybody else other than him behind his back made me sick to my own stomach. Which is sad to think about now knowing what is about to unveil... so it was the first few days of March and I hadn’t seen him in two weeks because he’s been “busy”. And he had asked me to come over for a while or spend the night if I wanted to. I get there and we sit outside or his apartment balcony, as he rolls up a dubbie and starts sparking it up, he explained to me that he got 2 new jobs. And how he’s been feeling low ever since he took those shrooms. He explained to me that I was precious to him and that I meant something to him, haha as he proceed to give me a long tight hug and said how much he missed me and gave me a kiss. It made me a little happy, he’s never apologized for being “ too busy “ or never really talks about how much I mean to him unless we’re having a via text fight or disagreement. He was a little uptight about his own feelings. Especially towards me, it was always a guessing game for with him. it was whatever he gave me I tired to work with it. I walk back into his apartment and I sit on the couch for a minute and play with his little dog he had that he had shared with his roommate. Then he says he’s gonna do work on his computer, because at the time he wanted to be a fashion designer, which by the way I supported 100%. I stuck by him and his aspirations. And I remember, and till this day.. I will never forget... I walked into his room and instantly felt a woman’s presence was there, and look I know it sounds fucking crazy and almost Delusional. but please bare with me because it’s about to makes sense. i walked in there knowing there has been a woman in his room. obviously I didn't say shit about it because I'm not gonna look crazy. That’s just something you can’t explain to someone. But oh no there's more, i asked him it i could borrow one of his sweatshirts because i was chilly. And he hands me a grey sweatshirt from his old job when he worked at a weed clinic. As I put it on, slipped my arms into the sleeves. I noticed this odd unfamiliar hair, so I pull it out and it was this long brown thin FUCKING HAIR. Ok MY HAIR WAS DYED BLACK AND SHORT!!? HE HAD SHORT LONG CURLY VERY CURLY HAIR ? And this FUCKER HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY “ ew that’s your hair “ and I gave him the most dumbfounded look ever and said “ that’s not my hair “. And he proceeded to work on his computer, and tried to distract myself from that stupid strand of hair that sorta upset me and not gonna lie fed into my suspicions. I laid back on his bed ate my raspberries and put on That’s 70’s Show. As I was doing so, I noticed this foul rancid musty smell. It was almost like a musty vagina smell. Keep in mind I hadn’t seen him in two weeks so we haven’t had sex. ( I’m pansexual, I’ve fingered women before so I’ve smelted unpleasant vaginas before, so I know) all I know was IT WASNT MY PUSSY SCENT ON THOSE SHEETS? SO WHOS MUSTY ASS VAGINA WAS ON MY BOYFRIENDS BED SHEETS?! WHOSE? And instantly after that I felt so sick, sick enough to vomit up my raspberries that I was just eating. I went to the restroom and PLEASE DONT JUDGE, I just had to know. While I was using his restroom I tired to look for used condoms or an empty condom wrapper. Because I really wanted evidence at this point. and no I didn’t dig in his trash. I just looked around it. And I didn’t see anything so I just Told him that I wasn’t feeling well and that I’m just gonna sleep back at my house. And asked me if I was fine and I swore to him that I was ok but really I was kinda upset. I started coming up with these disgusting and awful images of what went down in that bed.. Like how do you explain to someone that kind of stuff. It was more of an intuition feeling and weird evidence. There wasn’t like another woman’s clothes or Items. It was more of scents and hair? At that point I felt fucking crazy, I didn’t wanna bring it up because what if I was wrong and he would leave me for being the crazy one. Until I finally got my evidence and answers. 2 days after that, I was feeling a little down so I had asked my friends from highschool to hang out with me and have a sleep over and spend the day the mall. We laughed, talked about our love lives didn’t talk about much on that subject, just said I was in a relationship. While that, I was texting him and he had said he picked up on a guitar he had for a while and is trying to learn how to play better. He sends me a cringe clip of him playing the guitar with off key notes. My friends saw it, and they laughed and said I could definitely do better than him and explained to me that he’s not much of a looker . And I knew that deep down, I knew that honestly I did.. of course I could of done better but I loved that man. I didn’t care how he looked, I just loved him enough to stay committed to him even though I knew he doesn’t deserve my commitment to him. But my heart is who he wanted... for some reason. That same night I fell asleep, and woke up early to say bye to my friends. Then I decided to message him on Instagram when I noticed I couldn’t find him in my DMs. Not gonna lie to y’all I kinda panicked, so I went on my burner account. Yes my fucking burner account.. do not judge. And I tried to look him up and what do you know he popped up on that account but not on my personal one. AND I grew furious, THAT FUCKER HAD BLOCKED ME, so I did what I knew. I went back on that Random girls Instagram page to see if I could find any evidence. Which again that did not fail me. I noticed she had a few highlights, i clicked them and saw that she was IN HIS FUCKING APARTMENT, She took a picture of HIS DOG, and get this yall.. she took a mirror selfie IN HIS RESTROOM WITH THAT SAME GREY SWEATSHIRT HE LET ME BORROW !!! THE SAME ONE I FUCKING FOUND A BRONW HAIR IN ?!?? GOD And the caption made it worse her caption in that photo said “ do y’all ever wake up from a nap just to go back to sleep” and that was all the evidence I needed. I knew that I was sharing the same bed with this woman that I had slept on WITH THE SAME FUCKING MAN. At that point I just snapped, I went black I was so pissed I could of passed out. I just remembered calling him 10 times and texting him furiously, telling him he was a no good for nothing two TIMING SON OF A BITCH. Meanwhile I had asked my 2 friends to come over and comfort me cause at that point I really needed anyone to cry on. I barley cried that day. I was too mad to cry. 5 or 6 hours later, I realized I got an Instagram message from him telling me “ I didn’t mean to block you, I had my phone in my pocket and fell” HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY BLOCK ME FROM YOUR POCKET?! OBVIOUSLY I KNEW THIS PEICE OF SHIT WAS LYING TO ME. And Again I snapped, I never ever and I mean ever spoke to someone in such an angry way. I was betrayed and lied to. He kept denying her, that they were just friends and had a good connection with her, until I kept saying liar liar pants on fucking fire, I caught ya bitch. And finally admitted that they were being intimidate together. After that I told him that I didn’t wanna talk to him anymore that whatever we had was over and that he was a piece of shit. His few words were “ you meant a lot to me, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I will always have you close to my heart, I love you “.. that was the first and only time he’s ever said he loved me. When he got caught he decided to pin the “I love you” on me FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME WHEN HE GETS CAUGHT??? That was so fucked up. Literally.. best believe I was exceptionally sad. I was crushed. I did everything in my power to distract myself. To find more purpose.. to move on. To try to be happy without him. I struggled, I even got a new job, I tried to Hook up with another man which that didn’t even work out because all I kept thinking about was his stupid face. You know trying to fill that empty void. Especially getting drunk that summer. One day in June of 2019, my friend decided she wanted to get a tattoo I was too indecisive if I wanted one. So I just waited and see if I would change my mind. my friend that was getting her tattoo done asked me to go get her a snack 2 doors down from the tattoo shop. I skipped down happily to get her something to eat, I paid and as I walked out I looked up and realized i was looking at him.. I stood paralyzed as he looked into my soul with those deceitful eyes. And said “ hey come here, who are you here with ? Are you alone “ you bet my stupid ass stuttered and told him I was with my friend. This fucker was next door from the tattoo shop getting his 5 dollar haircut. EMBARRASSING. I was embarrassed my anxiety was through the roof I felt so overwhelmed. I walked into the tattoo shop holding a bag of turbos gave them to her and she looks at me and says “ what’s wrong ?” And I just broke down and started crying. I excused myself to the restroom were I broke down and sobbed for a minute. I unexpectedly run into him in public ?????, i felt like my life was a stupid pathetic movie. So I came back out, wiped my tears and said alright tattoo me up next. later that day I decided I wanted to go skating. Which I did, try to distract Myself from that encounter. The audacity he had to talk to me and my dumb ass does what he says ?? Like WHY WOULD I LISTEN TO HIM FOR HE BROKE MY HEART. best believe I cried to sleep that night. Not even the physical pain of a new fresh bloody tattoo I cried for that disgusting man instead. It was a joke, a sad joke. Still trying to move on, try to date new people, obviously that didn’t work out cause I can never move on easily. Then I gave up on that and decided I needed closure from him. I wanted to just yell at his face and show him how much pain he’s caused me. because that’s one thing I never like to let people get away with hurting me and having no clue and living about the world like they’ve never hurt a soul. It would be unfair. Which I did get that, I messaged him on Snapchat and said that I needed to talk to him face to face. However I was shitting bricks because I hadn’t talk to him in months prior to that. I was ready to get really angry. Best believe I got all pretty just to yell at his stupid face. He picked me up and we went the park down the street and had small talk. Asked me about my tattoo and asked about my new job. Then we park and he looks at me and goes “ so do you wanna talk “ and I go “ yes I wanna fucking talk? Why ? Just why ? “ and all I got was “ why ? Why what ?” Like obviously why what, why did you fucking betray me and made me look like a fool? You know ? Basically that conversation just went from him admitting he was being intimate with her and me and that he knew it wasn’t fair to me, and if he knew I loved him that much he wouldn’t of done what he did. And that he’s a bad guy he’s gonna do bad shit blah blah blah. Stupid nonsense about how he’s mad at the world and because of shit that he went through is excused for his bad choices and hurt me? I knew that was a load of crap. I just told myself that I was there for me and to let out whatever I need to let out and instead I realized this fucker was a pretentious scumbag that didn’t care about anything besides himself and himself only. As long as there’s pleasure for him he’s all in it, even if that means hurting the one who actually gave a fuck about him. I was the only one who gave a fuck about him. Besides his own mother and friends. But that random chick didn’t care about him the way that I had, no other chick wouldn’t of put up with his crap, and yeah I definitely knew I didn’t have to. Because at the time he was all I truly wanted, and I was ready. I was willing to drop everything just to be with him, to understand him, I didn’t care if that took a million years. It didn’t make sense to anybody else but it made sense to me. And that was more than enough for me. Yeah I was 18 -19 at the time of course I was young, I could of have anybody else at anytime. save the young crap for someone else. Not saying that we were gonna get married or have 10 fucking kids. No I wasn’t expecting anything like that. All I was expecting was honesty and loyalty and occasionally fucking consistency. Like god I didn’t think my expectations were impossible to meet, those were simple basic standards that everyone fucking has when they love someone. It’s so fucking simple, yet he found a way to fuck it up. And I made a Vow to myself after that encounter, I said my shit and went to bed. But In that time I promised myself that no matter how terrible and how awful someone is to me, that I’m always gonna forgive. Because if you never forgive you’ll always be mad, you’re always gonna be sad about it. So might as well let it go. You can forgive but obviously never forget. With that being said, I forgave the guy. Said truce and let it go. Months pass on by, he still followed me on social media. He would see my stories I’d see his. Didn’t say much to each other because I mean there’s not much really to say. And randomly one day he hit me up asking me this bizarre question: he asked “ did I really take your virginity?” My dumb ass responds with a yeah who the fuck else took it ? The fucking air ? Jesus Christ himself ? Or what! It was a stupid ass question but did leave a lengthy conversation. He apologized again for fucking me over with musty vagina over there. And admitted that she was the one who actually blocked me and was bitter. Obviously I didn’t believe him. I just let him keep talking. He proceeded to say how he had everything he’s ever wanted and he fucked it up. He had a virgin and decided to fuck her over because he wanted to keep his dick wet. all for some fucking lousy shrooms and stupid acid. For fucks sake obviously these burn outs had an “ instant connection “ anyways he just kept talking about he was the first to go where no man has ever been. He hovered my virginity over my head like it was some kind of sick trophy. Like good job you popped my cherry and fucking traumatized me to never trust another man again. Great ! Well at the time I didn’t see it that way. I was just thankful that he realized he was terrible to me and loved hearing “ I’m sorry “ decided I’d rather keep him in my life because yeah I missed the guy, even if it was just us being distant friends. Which it did stay like that for a while, and one day he offered to pick me up from my job and chat a little bit. I agreed and my coworker was already in the loop he knew everything. He admitted that he didn’t think it was a good idea to even hang out with him for 10 minutes that I’m too delicate for that piece of shit. But obviously I didn’t listen, cause I Just saw him as my friend, my friend who I was and still at the time was in love with. My friend who hurt me. Nothing was expected from hanging out with him that night he just talked about his new job, and talked about music and work. It was cool. It was nice. It felt nice to not be angry at him anymore. There I went though still trying to move on. None of which attempts worked. Still stayed friends..still occasionally communicated. then one day in July of 2020, then I was 20 years old. He texted me asking me if I wanted to go with him to the beach, it was 9 o’clock at night. He said he’d pick me up after he was done hanging with his friends. and OF COURSE I AGREED. don’t fucking judge me okay because this is important. We drive down to the beach in his new car. We’re talking and laughing. We get there and he dares me to go into the cold water. It was probably like 65 degrees that night. Not that cold but for a summer night it was cold indeed. And I strip half naked and I get my legs wet. Realizing it’s too cold. Putting my clothes back on laid on the blanket with him and just started star gazing. We talked about interstellar and Kurt Cobain. Sounds cheesy but it was so nice. It was a memorable conversation. I was having a good time It felt nice talking to him again. It felt nice to even be next to him. Because I truly missed him. Then we go back to his car and drive back home, and stops in the gas station and gets me coconut water as I asked. Then as he pulls up to my house we just sat there talking again for 20 minutes. And I start saying that I need to go inside and he just starts messing around with me and playing with me and he leans in for a fucking kiss. YEAH ANOTHER FUCKING KISS. and there it begins the cycle again. So we start making out passionately and I end up bringing him back to my room and made love. I remember the whole time I knew that I was gonna regret it boy I wasn’t wrong about that, all I kept playing in my head was how much I missed his touch, his silhouette of his curly dark hair and body was pressed up against mine. It was a night that I will never forget. It was like losing my virginity all over again. Then the next day he goes home and he’s all lovey dovey once again. It was nice I guess I got him back but didn’t question it to him because I just wanted to live in the moment. But I told myself to not get too excited, to not expect anything, and expect to be let down because that’s what he does. I did what I do best, lower your expectations. Expect the worst, telling myself that this isn’t gonna end well. Which I wasn’t wrong AGAIN. His birthday comes up and YUP there I go getting him a birthday gift. How silly right? I got him Vincent Van Gohh journal like HES ALWAYS WANTED, white sage, a glass ashtray, and a fucking labradorite necklace with A FUCKING SPACE THEMED BIRTHDAY CARD! GODDDDD IM A FOOL. As I gave it to him he tried to not act too sentimental. And thanked me and gave me a kiss and promised me we were gonna go to the botanical gardens! Later that day he gave me a flower he found at the beach when he was with his homies, he said it smelled so beautiful and that it reminded him of me. Best guess I did end up framing that flower because I was a sucker for that. Yes I did cry. Not to his face though. That same day he came over and spent the night in my room. I we were watching pretty woman and he fell asleep. I stayed up a little bit, I just looked right next to me and there he was. Sound asleep. It’s all I wanted, it made me ever so happy the next morning, we woke up and I suggested we’d get breakfast and pancakes. Acting like fucking Fabienne from Pulp Fiction. I know how lame. Whatever. I’m cute. We ate our pancakes and watched the x files. And kissed him bye. A few days pass and again we started having sex, per usual. And he cut my inside during forplay. it was painful ass fuck. We stopped because I ended up bleeding. Just slept instead afterwards. Then the next few days I started noticing I was feeling sick, I was getting a fever, I felt weak, I had a bad burning sensation. It was hell, later to communicate with him about what was happening to my body. He obviously didn’t take it as well as he should of, of course the guy was thinking about himself. He felt to guilty to communicate with me. But when we talked about it in his car, he said HE WASN’T GOING TO LEAVE ME. Assuring me that I was going to be fine. I was in pain I was constantly having a fever, it just all sucked. It was probably one of the worst times of my life. I felt like I had to practically get mad at him because he barely wanted to talk to me. Like HOW IS IT MY FAULT THAT IM ILL ??? i just started feeling like a chore to him. And an obligation because he got me ill. I certainly didn’t get that way myself you know. It takes 2 to have sex may I remind him. I always said it was part of his karma, I was his learning mistake. Yeah I’ve gone to the doctors and hospital serval times in that 1-2 weeks that I was so ill I was so scared, I felt like it was something serious, having doctors look at me constantly. Laying in that hospital bed by myself it was just so scary and I felt so lonely I cried on a nurses arms. I got better eventually but our relationship started to strain. He wasn’t affectionate with me anymore he saw me less and less and eventually not at all. The last time we spent time together was at the drive inn. That was the last time I saw him. Even till now but before that we had another one of our routine arguments at the park by my house. Now these are words I won’t forget he said that he didn’t need me, that he doesn’t need to stick around if he didn’t want to. I just remembered I cried so much because it felt like it was my fault, I felt so disgusted and disappointed in my own body. All because I wanted to fucking have sex with the person who I loved but I knew exactly what I was gonna get out of him. He admitted he was never the best boyfriend to me. I just chuckled because he’s never called himself “ boyfriend “. One day after that my dad came in to talk to me and we had a deep conversation about safe sex and love. It was awkward but my dad just told me if I’ love someone enough to not hesitate to show it. I was happy to have that conversation with my dad. Here comes the ending.. so long story short fucker ghosted me. He stopped replying to me. And I accepted it. I waited for a month to see if he’s gonna talk to me. One night I got drunk and blocked him. Something I never thought I would do. Or even thought I’d have the guts to do it. But I did it I blocked him. I was ready to let him go. For a while it was getting easier I did finally FINALLY ACCEPT THE FACT that he is exactly like I thought when I was so angry at him. A liar, a cheater , a manipulator, pretentious fuck, selfish scumbag. Yes I still care about him. I do still love him. You can never forget your first time nor your first love. Despite all the ill intents and traumatic experiences I shared with this man. They are all my memories I shared with him, all my learning experiences. To set the bar higher. To love harder the next time. Make sure they don’t forget about you. I guess be the memorable lover. Even if you’re so devastatingly hurt, it’s always possible to love like you never been hurt. Being vulnerable was scary in every aspect. Even trusting was scary. That was my life for 3 years. It was horrific and beautiful. I’m happy to share this story with atleast one person. Stay safe y’all


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